Deciding if and when to have a child with a partner is a big decision. This decision can be even more challenging when you are with someone who is threatening, controlling and manipulative.
Pregnancy and parenthood cause physical, emotional, financial and social changes, and therefore it is understandable to want stable and reliable partners for support during this transitional time. Unfortunately, some abusers use this transition as an opportunity to gain or maintain power and control through tactics known as reproductive coercion. These tactics can play out differently in every relationship and may seem confusing.
In a healthy relationship, you’re able to talk openly about your feelings around having children without fearing retaliation from your partner if you disagree about the timing or decision to have a child or more children. Differing feelings and desires may lead to a mutual decision to end the relationship, which may be difficult but it would not cause a concern for your safety. If you feel afraid to disagree with your partner’s wishes around if and when to have children, this could be a red flag of an abusive relationship.
A safety plan
Whatever your decisions are, you deserve to be safe with your partner. If you are finding that it’s difficult to safely share your choices and needs with your partner, you might turn to other sources for perspective on these decisions. A big piece of any safety plan is determining who is in your support network.
If you are thinking of becoming pregnant, or if you are in the early weeks of pregnancy, you may want to consider reaching out to a healthcare provider, such as a midwife, nurse or Ob-Gyn, to learn more about how to take care of your physical health needs during this time. You can also discuss with your care provider a plan for getting supportive care that allows space for you to share your needs without your partner in the room.
Another part of a support network may be a counselor or therapist—someone who you can trust to be nonjudgmental and supportive as you sort out your feelings and concerns around having children with your partner. Trusted friends or family members may also be able to offer support, whatever may be your decisions.
Where to get help
- Backline is a national organization that has an informative website around pregnancy and parenting and a toll-free talk line (1-800-493-0092) where you can explore a full spectrum of options.
- Futures Without Violence also has a lot of great information on their website, including projects dedicated to increasing reproductive and sexual health.
- Planned Parenthood has information on their website about factors and information you may want to take into account when considering pregnancy.
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline is also here for you 24/7 by phone (1-800-799-7233) or chat (7 a.m. to 2 a.m. CT) to brainstorm more ideas for support and information.
Protecting your privacy
While putting together your support network and exploring resources, it’s important to consider whether your partner may be trying to monitor your activities. You may want to reach out for support on a phone or computer that your partner can not access. If you share a phone account, consider getting a go phone so your partner cannot observe the numbers that you’ve called on your bill. You may also want to use a work or public computer or a friend’s smartphone to explore online resources instead of a computer or smartphone that your partner could monitor.
You are the expert
These decisions are big, and you deserve access to the support and information that can help you choose the options that feel best to you. You are the expert in your situation and are the one best-suited to make these decisions. Whatever you decide, The Hotline is here for you every step of the way.
Rebecca Donley has been doing work for local and national domestic violence agencies for over ten years. She has raised awareness of power-based personal violence as an advocate, trainer, speaker, and writer.